Tools Required:
1.) Let Nagging Wife bully you into hanging Picture on wall in Hallway of brand new house complete with luxury fitted carpet.
2.) Use (optional) Pipe Detector to locate the nearest convenient Central Heating pipe or alternatively just let Nagging Wife pick the location by sheer coincidence.
3.) Gently tap - sorry - smack Nail into wall using head - sorry - Hammer ignoring any resistance that may be put up by the copper Central Heating pipe.
4.) Gaze in awe as your ground floor hallway is slowly transformed into a picturesque swimming pool. You may take this opportunity to go and change into yuor swimming trunks and fetch the rubber duck from the bath - alternatively watch Nagging Wife go into overdrive before phoning Insurance Company.
Tools Required:
1.) Let Pesky Kids knacker your existing toilet cistern thereby enforcing you to change the toilet and current sink. You may be enforced to change these for either aesthetic reasons or because (optional) Nagging Wife has told you to do so.
2.) Brag to your work colleagues during lunchtime about how you fitted new Toilet and
Sink. Continue to brag and pretend to be a "Waterworks expert" whilst purchasing Flexible Pipe Connector from Do It All.
3.) Fit Flexible Pipe Connector to new Sink complete with New Taps.
4.) Turn on New Hot Water Tap
5.) Watch in awe as nothing happens. Consult Collins DIY Manual to see where you've gone wrong.
6.) Alternatively Consult Yellow Pages for the number of a trusted and reputable local Plumber.
7.) Phone Plumber and try to decipher what he's telling you is wrong in between bursts of laughter on the other end of the phone line.
8.) Remove air bubble from existing hot water system as recommended by someone who knows what they're doing.
9.) Eat humble pie in front of work Colleagues as you recall your experiences!
NB: Look at this review Rob wrote about Collins DIY manual:
"A reader from Cannock, England , 11 September, 2000
The DIY Bible ! Five Star Rating!
I bought this book 7 days ago and already I've installed a new bathroom suite and this weekend I'm fitting a security light. This book will guide 'DIYers' of all standards with clear, precise instructions, backed up with plenty of detailed photographs. I thoroughly recommend this book.
We recommend that Rob goes and purchases some candles before installing his Security Light!
Read the genuine review here: 
Tools Required:
Instructions as supplied by the culprit himself - Mr. James Eadon:
1.) To convince the Nagging Wife that you are not a lazy slob (she obviously needs a lot of convincing Jim) you heroically declare you will insulate the Loft. You count the brownie points before they have hatched.
2.) Bags of carcinogenic Glass Fibre Insulation are purchased from Do-It-All, or some such emporium.
3.) Regretting your rash decision, you climb into the Loft during a fiercely hot summers day. Hung over (get the excuses in now Jim) and narrowly staving off fatal dehydration in the heat, you lay the Glass Fibre Insulation between the roof beams.
4.) Your sweaty Face Mask offers laughable protection from the smelly, carcinogenic fumes boiling from the glass in the stifling heat.
5.) An hour or two later the job is complete. Balancing precariously on a roof beam you step back to admire your brilliant work.
6.) Nagging Wife, upon perceiving the sound of disintegrating plasterboard and noting the shower of debris crash to the landing floor, looks up and is less than pleased to observe your Foot is poking through the ceiling.
7.) You are the laughing stock of the Nagging Wifes' mates where she works. Her mates compare notes about how useless their husbands are before carefully planning their next reckless shopping spree to blow their hubby's cash on must-have pairs of shoes and matching handbags.
Know of any other gaffes - er - Top D.I.Y. tips? Let me know and I'll post them here inbetween successful Projects!
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